Tag: funny

Mary was Fed Up with Bob…

Another assignment for one of my writing classes:

Mary was fed up with Bob and didn’t quite know how to deal with it.

It had been for some time now that she had realized she wasn’t happy.  Her feelings had changed.  She used to be content with him.  But then, time had passed, and he just wasn’t the same man from before.  He seemed somehow less than he had been, just a dim reflection of the man she had first met.  She was disappointed.  In him, and in herself.  Now she just felt empty, even slightly ill around him. Something was missing.

Mary shook her head slowly as she gazed down at Bob as he reclined in the usual chair.  He seemed so peaceful.  And why not? He didn’t know how hollow and alone she felt.  “Had it all been for nothing?” she wondered.   She caressed his face tenderly and tucked a lonely, graying hair behind his ear.  If only he would open his eyes, then maybe, just maybe things could change.  They could change together. Work things out, give it another go.  She could be less demanding, couldn’t she?  Take less of him?  He could make her feel that way again, couldn’t he? That special way she had only ever felt with him, and only at the beginning- completely full of abundance and love?  He had been the missing part of her, once.  But maybe no one person could ever be enough.

She took her hand away and pondered her situation.  Maybe it was too late. The magic was gone, but why?  Why had his sweetness faded? When had her hunger for him dwindled away into detachment, and then revulsion?  Where was that flavor, that zest, that delicious satisfaction?  His essence seemed to saturate the air. Once, that had been an invigorating comfort, but now… she  didn’t think she could stomach much more.  Mary sighed. It was time to move on. There just wasn’t any room left for him in her life.  Or in her belly.  She was still hungry, but it was time to find someone new to eat.

How Depression Is Like a Zombie Apocalypse

It’s dark.  It’s dire.  It’s dismal. It’s deadly.

The future looks grim, and you are going to have to make some sacrifices and be fierce and strong as hell if you want to survive.

You gotta stock up on weapons and survival gear.  You gotta have a strong, supportive gang to have your back.

YOUR ZOMBIE SURVIVAL KIT NEEDS:

  • A compass – Helps you know what direction is what. Make some goals. What do you want to do and where do you want to go?  What direction is that? Use your compass to help you get there. If you see that you’re straying off the path, use your compass to reorient yourself in the right direction.
  • A first aid kit – You’re gonna get wounded.  It’s inevitable.  This is war, and you’re fighting for your life and your right to not be consumed by the enemy. Make sure you know how to mend yourself up and heal. When you’re hurting and in pain, what helps comfort you and alleviate your symptoms? Make a kit that is full of practical support, special treats, soothing remedies, happy things to revive you, and reminders that you are loved.
  • Duct tape – When you gotta patch things (or yourself) up in a hurry. Sometimes there’s no time for a first aid kit.  You need a tough, quick fix that will hold until you can regroup and come back to reevaluate. When there is an unexpected emergency or sudden crisis, you need something sturdy, durable, and dependable.  Have a strategy for coping and dealing with unforeseen calamity.
  • Food – the healthy (keep up your strength), easily accessible (you may have to eat on the run) and hopefully non  perishable (grocery store runs are going to be a difficulty) kind. Can’t fight off them zombies on an empty stomach.  Everything feels better when you’re well-fed. (But not TOO well-fed – zombies are unpredictable and you never know when you’ll have to be running and fighting again.)
  • Practical, multi-purpose, comfortable clothes – Can’t fight zombies barefoot or in a tight, pencil skirt .  Well you could… but why make it harder on yourself?  Let’s be efficient here. Layers are great.  Keep warm with your favorite blood-stained and battle-scarred hoodie.  Wear something that makes you feel confident – like you CAN take on those zombies!  That might mean something different for everybody.  Something loose so you’re cozy enough to sleep in it – saves time and energy.  Lots of pockets for carrying around those tools and accessories and chapstick.  A sarcastic t-shirt to show those zombies you don’t give a fuck.
  • No-nonsense hairdo – Zombies can pull long hair.  Don’t let unruly bangs and fly-aways distract you from the fight of your life.  Keep that hair secure and low-maintenance with a rugged bandana and no damage hair tie.  Otherwise, it’s just a constant annoyance and drain on your focus and energy.
  • Something to do – For downtime between zombie attacks.  Strangely, there’s not always a constant onslaught of frenzied zombie attacks.  You want to make the most of the times when you’re feeling okay and there aren’t that many zombies on the horizon.  Deal with necessities first: self-care (food, water, rest, hygeine). Then work on maintenance-type things. Stock your pantry and replenish your first aid kit.  Work out new strategies with your zombie-fighting team. Resolve disputes, repair the border fences and clean and practice with your weapons.  Next, try to make progress on your goals.  Scout the vicinity for supplies, tools, allies, and anything that can help you on your quest.  And don’t forget to relax, have some fun, and release some tension.  Maybe a deck of cards?
  • Flashlight – Sometimes zombies attack at night.  They are just not that respectful of your sleep schedule and plans. Deal with it.  Shining light on your surroundings will help you see them more clearly.  Start with a broad sweep of the entire area around you, then focus in on potential problem areas.
  • Lighter/matches – Even flashlights fail sometimes.  Your batteries run out eventually.  Or they malfunction.  Or fall out. You need a backup light source.  It”s hard to fight blind, so don’t let that happen.  You want to know what is going on around you.  Also, a way to start a fire so you can keep warm.  Sometimes body heat isn’t enough, and you will need to look outside yourself and your fluffy jacket for safety, warmth, comfort, light, and hope.
  • Binoculars – Be on the lookout for the threat. Do regular checks and sweeps of areas you know are weak points.  Learn to recognize the signs. Know what’s coming. You can’t just look at the things right next to you – you have to organize your troops and plan ahead. If you have some idea of what is coming and about when it will affect you and your situation, you can more easily and efficiently take action to mitigate or eliminate the danger in advance.
  • Swiss army knife – A versatile multi-tool to MacGyver your way out of awkward and dangerous situations.  Something you can apply to all sorts of predicaments in order to get positive results or avoid negative ones.  Cut bad things out of your life.  Uncork your feelings.  Build a better mindframe.
  • Melee weapon – Things are going to get up close and personal and you’re going to get dirty and feel gross.  If you only use a gun all the time you are going to come to depend on it and not see any other options or opportunities. And do you want to attract more zombies and make things worse?  Besides, you think there’s an endless supply of bullets out there? NO! So unless you have extensive experience as an ammunition engineer, and you’re also conveniently a crack shot, invest in a good, sharp machete, and a heavy baseball/cricket bat.  That way you can really show those zombies who is boss and have the satisfaction of personal triumph in your conquest.  And you will be assured that your adversary is irrevocably and indisputably dead.  With each success, you are establishing a pattern of success that will grow exponentially stronger and increase your confidence and likelihood of succeeding again against future foes.
  • Long-range weapon – Okay, fine, I guess you can have a gun.  It’s not ideal, but sometimes there is no other way to take down a zombie that is far away, and the benefits outweigh the risks. You’d be a fool not to take advantage of every tool in your arsenal, and this can help to save you trouble in the long run.  But make sure you’re aware of the risks and be careful and safe when you have to bring out the heavy artillery.  Train yourself up, don’t point it at your allies, know how to use it, and be precise so you don’t waste your shot.
  • Good health – As good as you can get it. Take care of yourself.  Doesn’t matter how many machetes you have if you’re too weak and exhausted to use them.  Drink lots of water, take vitamins if you can find them, and don’t forget to stretch your body before and after a vigorous zombie killing.  Also, don’t forget to exercise your body so you can protect yourself.  Also… endorphins.  Remember to pay close attention to what your body needs and keep training yourself in positive habits.  Tools are great, but YOU are your best weapon.    You’ll never be without yourself.

Zombies are going to try to eat your brains.  Be prepared, have resources you can trust, and always remember the double-tap.

KEEP FIGHTING AND DON’T GIVE UP.