For Want of a Bathroom: A Modern Fairytale Retelling with a New POV

A fun, playful modern fairy tale reinterpretation exploring the oft-ignored father in the Cinderella story and how he might have felt suddenly living with so many ladyfolk!


For Want of a Bathroom

The sun filtering in through dusty blinds confirms what the dogs next door were already telling the entire neighborhood: the day is officially beginning. Ugh! Every morning with those dogs and their barking.  From beneath my heavy wooden desk, Max looks up at me with wide-eyed disapproval.

“I know – They’re not good boys like you, are they?”

Sighing, I gently place my lukewarm cup of coffee on the wooden desk, trying to savor my last precious moments of calm before the storm. Soon, the house will erupt with clamor and clatter and racket as the girls spill down the stairs, each vying for attention, and, of course, highly coveted bathroom time.

If I hear just one more complaint about somebody stealing somebody else’s makeup or using up all the hot water, – I swear I’m going to shower first, then purposefully let the hot water run down the drain. The make-up can all go in the trash. They don’t need it anyway.

With a grimace, I close my eyes and massage my temples. One bathroom was plenty when it was just the two of us! I should have considered more closely the practicalities of adding three additional females to the family. There are bras everywhere! Each time I turn around, there’s another bra! It’s as if they’re multiplying! Just how many bras does a girl even need!?

Well, an adjustment period is natural for all of us, I suppose. But this house is simply overflowing with femininity.

Remembering the events of last night, my somber frown turns to a grin, and an appreciative snort. It really wasn’t funny, but the looks on my stepdaughters’ faces when Ella bluntly informed them of the purpose of a plunger – I tried to keep a straight face – I really did!

I guess today will include plunging lessons for Payton and Sloane. We should probably all sit down together to discuss bathroom-related chores and scheduling. I wonder if a chore chart would help? We probably still have those gold star stickers stuck in a drawer somewhere. But how to divvy up the responsibilities and duties? I can already hear the whines of “It’s not faaaaaaair!” sung in ringing discordance.

Even my beautiful new wife is not immune from the discontent – every morning, she laments not only the lack of an ‘appropriate’ master bathroom, but also the lack of space in our closet for her expensive designer clothes and her ever-expanding shoe collection. Every time I pull her into me, nuzzling her neck with, “Vivvy – you don’t need all that – you’re beautiful to me whatever you wear!” she just laughs and pushes me away “It’s Vivienne – you know I hate that silly nickname!”

This modest home is full to bursting! But today I’ve a surprise for my girls. All my girls. Each so precious and special in such different ways. I’ve been hard at work planning some additions to the house, and today is the day construction begins. I can’t wait to see their faces! Maybe today will be the first day of no bickering, no snark, and no eye-rolling! Okay that’s probably not that realistic. They are teenage girls. Honestly, even half the current amount of drama would be a miracle.

Expanding the second floor over the garage will not only allow for the addition of a private bathroom and larger closets in the master bedroom, but also – not one, but TWO extra bathrooms! Sure, one will be little more than the size of a closet, but each of my girls shall have a bathroom of her own!

I hear an increase in grumblings and irritable stomping from upstairs, and I gently roll up the blueprints, and prepare myself for the looming hurricane that is living with four women.

At my feet, Max perks up his ears at the crescendo of bickering voices that tumble and bounce down the stairs.

“At least you’re on my side, right buddy?” I ask, scratching his ears affectionately. “We fellas have to stick together.”

As the footsteps cascade into a thunder, and the tempest approaches, Max eyes me dubiously. With a stretch, and twitch of his tale, he scampers toward the door, and I am left alone to face the squall.

How To Get Sh*t Done When Your Cat Is Obsessed With You

How To Get SH*T Done When Your Cat Is Obsessed With You


YOU CAN’T.

But there are a few strategies you can try.


My cat, Brisco, is totally obsessed with me. He always wants to hang out. He’s constantly following me wherever I go. He never leaves me alone!

If he was a person, he would be a creepy stalker cutting my face out of photographs.

Well I guess I can never get up again…..
#1 fan in the Emerald Fan Club.

Can’t really blame him – I am pretty awesome.  But it does make it difficult to accomplish anything when he is always up in my bidness.

Things that DON’T work:

  • Attempting to reason with cat.
  • Politely asking cat to respect your alone time.
  • Informing cat you think you should see other people/cats.
  • Shouting , “God dammit, Brisco you little fucking fuck, stop trying to fucking kill!!”

A loverly compilation of Brisco preventing me from getting stuff done by trying to play board games, refusing to let me put on my shoes, generally just attacking or sitting on the things I need to use, and, of course, chilling in a tambourine (’cause no better place to chill).

So here are my strategies for tricking him into leaving me alone:

  • Multitasking
    • The main method to getting anything done with Brisco in the room is to always be multitasking and moving. That way, when he comes and gets comfortable on whatever project you’re currently working on, you just move on to the next project! Then you will have at least two minutes of uninterrupted time to work on THAT project before he decides you’re not coming back and comes to sit on the current project!
    • However, keep in mind that although it is a benefit to have the projects all near each other for your convenience, it also shortens the amount of time it will take Brisco to find you and attack your next project.
    • But I guess if they’re all far apart, you will also get a stellar workout!
  • Avoidance
    • Wait until said cat is napping or conspicuously absent to partake in his outdoor adventuring time, then go hard on getting as much done as possible before he returns to jump on your project OR your face OR both. Prioritize things that take up a lot of space, take a lot of focus or attention to detail, are delicate/fragile, or involve scissors, paper, or especially ribbons!
    • This presents its own set of hazards, especially if you get really into whatever you’re doing and tend to focus so hard you don’t pay attention to your surroundings and what is going on around you. For that is when he shall sneak attack pounce!!!!!! He does love demanding attention.
  • Diversion
    • This works best for fairly simple or short-term tasks.
    • Distract with:
      • Food. If he hasn’t eaten a thousand times today. This will be extremely effective in obtaining your alone time, but only for exactly as long as it takes your cat to finish eating.
      • Toys. This is most helpful for things where you still have an available hand to use the laser pointer/ribbon/whatever cat toy works best. Great for getting your cat away from the television, the food you’re eating, your book, etc.
  • Negative Reinforcement – last resort
    • Spray bottles (in cases of emergency) are reliable deterrents.
    • I don’t like using the spray bottle too often because he is actually incredibly scared of it and I don’t want to punish him for loving me. 😉  He’s a cat.  He’s never going to stop cat-ing.  Also, he startles easily, and that combined with the fact that water is water sometimes results in disarray and chaos, especially if the project is involved or intricate in some way.

It really would be quite flattering if it wasn’t so annoying and inconvenient. So I try to focus on the gratefulness and minimize the grrrr arrgghh. He is pretty cute I guess….

#BFFs #CuddleBuddies #TotesAdorbs

I guess the benefits mostly outweigh the drawbacks…… (both of which you can read in this other post I wrote!

Pets: Joy VS Burden

⇑ You know what this episode of game of thrones
was missing…? definitely A big ol’ cat in my way.

#HousePetersonRemembers

Illiteracy Weekly Newsletter

…. I wish I’d started this homework assignment earlier instead of 3 hours before it was due… it was A LOT of fun, and I’d love to have put more time and energy into it! I wish the content was better… but I guess it’s funnier if it’s NOT! 😉

If you can’t read the tiny text, no big deal… it’s mostly about articles we had to read for class.

This is what the ‘inspirational’ photo says, in case you can’t read it.  😉
(It’s in the rotation of backgrounds on my laptop)

What is the use of stories that aren’t even true?

What IS the use of stories that aren’t even true?


The oft-asked question in Salman Rushdie’s Haroun and the Sea of Stories is, “What is the use of stories that aren’t even true?”

While Rushdie’s book is described as an example of a more comical and light subdivision of the fantasy genre, each form of fantasy contains within it a variety of aspects that resonate within additional fantastical categories. Rushdie’s question can be applied to and answered through any genre of fantasy.

There is truth in every fictional story, and the uses of fictional stories, while dependent to some extent upon author intent and reader response, are, in fact, infinite.

If fictional stories had no use, why would anyone write fiction or fantasy? 

Storytellers may not be aware of their subtexts, attitudes, or perspectives about the purpose or benefit of their words and stories, but that does not mean they are not present.  While ideas about use may vary and differ, each author must believe that their storytelling will be put to some use or another.  These uses are often subjective, multifaceted, and numerous.  Just as an author may communicate many different ideas, meanings, and uses, readers may also interpret or superimpose many different ideas, meanings, and uses.  C.S. Lewis communicated tenants of Christian theology through many of his works, but he also reiterated the use of fantasy as a way for readers to address real-life issues, through a fantasy world to explore “emotional dilemmas (they) feel faced by in their everyday lives” (Rustin, 1987, p. 40).  The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe is clearly representative of the important use of fantasy as a tool to address cultural, societal, emotional, and psychological needs, understanding, and development – a prevalent perspective about fantasy’s value and use.

The primary, overarching importance of the use of children’s fantasy literature is the idea that the genre addresses and fulfills vital “psychological, cultural and aesthetic needs which are disregarded by most other forms of contemporary literature” (Oziewicz, 2008, p. 66). 

Fantasy allows the fears and worries of society to be addressed and explored, as well as providing a great deal of “potential as an emotional survival strategy” (Bharat, 2015, p. 305).  In addition, “stories can be a cohesive force in constructing a community” (Mukherjee, 1998, p. 175), a force that allows communities to overcome obstacles and experience positive growth and development.  Lloyd Alexander’s “The Grammar of Story” emphasizes this importance by detailing the ways in which words and storytelling can work magic.  Rushdie’s narrative in Haroun and the Sea of Stories provides valuable political and cultural implications about the intrinsic value and power of words and stories. This is just one narrative that articulates the importance of stories and storytelling and the ways in which they can be applied to resisting terror and oppression by conquering fears through living life instead of through grand, cosmic acts of courage.

Through the creation of a fantasy narrative such as this, an author can invent their own logic and use and incorporated it into each aspect of the story, so it has a sturdy base: “We don’t dig the foundation after the house is built” (Alexander, 1981, p. 10), and the fantasy world must have “identifiable and workable laws underpinning it” (Yolen, 1996, p. 173).  While each work of fantasy is unique, they are all bonded by their structure and interconnected in their capacity to encourage imaginative exploration and address very real concepts, dilemmas, and threats, such as the “tyranny of fear” (Bharat, 2015, p. 304).  New fears are constantly arising, and all types of fantasy literature can help to confront and explore these fears through large societal battles of terrorism and oppression as well as smaller, but no less important, battles of personal conflict, growth, and development.

Conflict is the dynamic element of any story, and the fate of the world can be affected by cosmic, mythopoeic quest and conflict as well as by the conflict-response behavior of a single person, as revealed through interactions with themselves, others, and the world around them.

While each fantasy story may be categorized according to a general consensus of its overall purpose, use, or tone, each fantasy story is an amalgam of diverse components that draw on a variety of ideas about the truth of untrue stories.  “What is the use of stories that aren’t even true?”  The use of Rushdie’s Haroun and the Sea of Stories is to answer this very question, and in many ways, this is the use of every work of fantasy literature.  Storytellers create illusions, and the truth in that illusion is “how thoroughly it convinces us of its reality; how strongly it resonates in our emotions; how deeply it moves us to new feelings and new insights.” (Alexander, 1981, p. 4).

Truth is not always convincing, and a fantasy story can help a reader to recognize and understand the truth in the world around them.

‘Untrue’ fantasy stories are incredibly valuable in an infinite number of ways.  Each fantasy genre, and each fantasy story, has unique and distinctive qualities.  In mythopoeic fantasy, adventure has momentous scale and consequences. However, while lighter fantasy genres may seem to lack cosmic battles of good versus evil, the adventures and battles still have consequences that are momentous to the characters experiencing them.

While mythopoeic fantasy suggests big answers to big questions, small answers to small questions are just as substantially cosmic to those affected by them.

A child can have an adult adventure that articulates hope for all humanity by the simple act of articulating the hope of one human. 

One human is a part of humanity, and the truth is that one child can change the world.


References

Alexander, Lloyd. (1981). The grammar of story. In Betsy Hearne and Marilyn Kaye (Eds), Celebrating children’s books: Essays on children’s literature in honor of Zena Sutherland. (pp. 3-13). New York: Lothrop, Lee, and Shepard Books.

Bharat, Meenakshi. (2015). Creative fear in Salman Rushdie’s Haroun and Luka: The ‘safe house’ of children’s literature. In Marvels & tales. (pp. 304-323).

Lewis, C.S. (1950). The lion, the witch, and the wardrobe. New York: Harper Collins.

Mukherjee, Meenakshi. (1998). Politics and children’s literature: a Reading of Haroun and the Sea of Stories. In Ariel: a Review of international English literature. (pp. 163-177).

Oziewicz, Marek. (2008). One earth, one people: The Mythopoeic fantasy series of Ursula K. Le Guin, Lloyd Alexander, Madeline L’Engle, and Orson Scott Card. New York: Simon Pulse.

Rowling, J.K. (1999). Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. New York: Scholastic.

Rushdie, Salman. (1990). Haroun and the sea of stories. New York: Penguin.

Rustin, Margaret and Michael. (1987). Narnia: an Imaginary land as container for moral and emotional adventure. In Narratives of love and loss: Studies in modern children’s fiction. (pp. 40-58). New York: Verso.

Strimel, Courtney B. (2004). The politics of terror: Rereading Harry Potter,” In Children’s literature in education. (pp. 35-52).

Yolen, Jane. (1996). Turtles all the way down. In Sheila Egoff et al. (Eds) Only connect: Readings on children’s literature. (pp. 164-174). New York: Oxford University Press.

Read into It: The Dragon Tamers

The Dragon Tamers:

by Edith Nesbit

If you like reading fantasy, and want to know how to tame a dragon, this is the story for you! Also – cats.

I came across this children’s story in the ‘Sleep Stories’ section of my “Calm” meditation app.  If you have the “Calm” app on your phone or tablet, you can listen to a 39 minute soothing rendition read by Aurora De Blas with music by Ophylia Wispling. She does the voices and there is accompanying music – it’s very well done.

Because Edith Nesbit’s works were published over 100 years ago, they are now in public domain and you can also listen to or read the entire story online for free:

 

Here’s how it begins:

“There was once an old, old castle–it was so old that its walls and towers and turrets and gateways and arches had crumbled to ruins, and of all its old splendor there were only two little rooms left; and it was here that John the blacksmith had set up his forge.
He was too poor to live in a proper house, and no one asked any rent for the rooms in the ruin, because all the lords of the castle were dead and gone this many a year. So there John blew his bellows and hammered his iron and did all the work which came his way. This was not much, because most of the trade went to the mayor of the town, who was also a blacksmith in quite a large way of business, and had his huge forge facing the square of the town, and had twelve apprentices, all hammering like a nest of woodpeckers, and twelve journeymen to order the apprentices about, and a patent forge and a self-acting hammer and electric bellows, and all things handsome about him. So of course the townspeople, whenever they wanted a horse shod or a shaft mended, went to the mayor.
John the blacksmith struggled on as best he could, with a few odd jobs from travelers and strangers who did not know what a superior forge the mayor’s was. The two rooms were warm and weather-tight, but not very large; so the blacksmith got into the way of keeping his old iron, his odds and ends, his fagots, and his twopence worth of coal in the great dungeon down under the castle.
It was a very fine dungeon indeed, with a handsome vaulted roof and big iron rings whose staples were built into the wall, very strong and convenient for tying captives to, and at one end was a broken flight of wide steps leading down no one knew where. Even the lords of the castle in the good old times had never known where those steps led to, but every now and then they would kick a prisoner down the steps in their lighthearted, hopeful way, and sure enough, the prisoners never came back.
The blacksmith had never dared to go beyond the seventh step, and no more have I–so I know no more than he did what was at the bottom of those stairs.”

You can read the rest here:   http://www.online-literature.com/edith-nesbit/book-of-dragons/6/


Edith Nesbit is actually really interesting, and I bought her more recent out of print biography a while back … apparently she is considered to have invented the children’s adventure story and to be the first modern writer for children, as she was writing specifically for children when that wasn’t even a thing. -YAY!

Edith Nesbit’s biography is subtitled: A Woman of Passion.  Not only did she know a bunch of other literary coolios, such as George Bernard Shaw (as a luvah), and H.G. Wells, she married her first husband when she was 7 months pregnant, and I guess her husband cheated on her with her friend and then Edith adopted the baby…? whaaaaaaaaaa!?

The Railway Children, her most famous work has NEVER been out of print.  100+years. whaaaaa!!?!

More about Edith:
http://www.edithnesbit.co.uk/biography.php

 

Ode to Sleep

You’ve gone away and left me
I spend each night alone
Just Waiting and awaiting
for you to come back home.

I miss our days together, 
and our nights as well.
Each day I am without you
Is a day akin to hell.

I miss the way you made me feel;
You kept me safe and warm.
And I could conquer any mountain
With you to calm my storm.

You always left me brimming
With the strength to labor on.
The way you clung to me in mornings,
Anchored me past dawn.

You’re no longer here beside me –
I miss your soft caress
I mostly miss your company:
Without you, I’m a mess.

Music Monday: Dickhead

Music Monday!

Music can be a great source of comfort and inspiration when you’re feeling down.

Today’s song is: “Dickhead” by Kate Nash.

Listen to the song here:

Lyrics:

“Why are you being a dickhead for
Stop being a dickhead
Why are you being a dickhead for
You’re just fucking up situations

Why are you being a dickhead for
Stop being a dickhead
Why are you being a dickhead for
You’re just fucking up situations

Shiny floor, slippery feet
Lights are dim, my eyes can’t meet
The reflection that turns my images
Upside down so I can’t see

Think you know everything
You really don’t know nothing
I wish that you were more intelligent
So you could see that what you are doing
Is so shitty, to me

Thirty five
People couldn’t count
On two hands the amount of times you made me stop
Stop and think why are you being such a dickhead for

Stop being a dickhead,
Why are you being a dickhead for
You’re just fucking up situations
Why are you being a dickhead for
Stop being a dickhead,
Why you being a dickhead for
You’re just fucking up situations

Stop, now don’t show
Just have a think before you
Will you, stop, now don’t show
Just have a think before you

Will you stop, no don’t show
Just have a think before you
Will you stop, don’t show
Will you just have a think before you

My brain and my bones don’t want to take, this anymore
No my brain and my bones don’t want to take, this anymore
No my brain and my bones don’t want to take with this anymore
No my brain and my bones don’t want to take, this anymore, so

Why are you being a dickhead for
Stop being a dickhead
Why are you being a dickhead for
You’re just fucking up situations

Why are you being a dickhead for
Stop being a dickhead
Why you being a dickhead for
You’re just fucking up situations”

Why this song’s so cool:  Sometimes I get sad and just don’t understand why people do such dumb, shitty stuff and act like such… well… DICKHEADS! So it’s nice to know that someone else shares my confusion and frustration.

Why this song’s helpful: This song plays in my head whenever I think someone is being a stupid and hurtful dickhead.  This song plays in my head whenever I witness someone doing stuff without thinking and consequently hurting themselves and/or others.

STOP BEING A DICKHEAD!  STOP FUCKING UP SITUATIONS!

More about Kate Nash here:

http://www.katenash.com/

The Reliable Rubber Band

Yet another random assignment for my writing class.

Spoiler – it’s about… ***rubber bands!***:

such fun.


I’m searching for something. I don’t know what it is. I don’t know where I’ll find it.  I don’t even know how to find it.  I just don’t know. Sometimes I will unconsciously go to the junk drawer when I’m looking for anything at all.  I’m looking for a book that won’t even fit in the drawer, yet I still gravitate toward the drawer. I’m looking for my cat.  How would he even get in there?  Something inside the drawer is calling me to reevaluate and redefine my quest.  I am hesitant to open the drawer itself.  Is it worth it?  What if what I think I want or need isn’t even in there?  But I discard my hesitation and pull open the drawer – sometimes with ease, sometimes with a struggle, sometimes carefully, and sometimes in a hurry.

Inside, the drawer is a refuge.  It’s a treasure chest of haphazard miscellany.  It’s a delightfully unexpected estate sale bargain you happen upon randomly one late Sunday afternoon.  Despite all of these, there is one consistency.

I can always find a rubber band in there.

Sometimes the rubber band is buried beneath an assorted plethora of other small and seemingly helpful, yet ultimately insignificant objects.  Sometimes it’s caught in the corner and stubbornly refuses to even consider coming to my aid.  And sometimes it’s right on top – front and center and eager to spring to assistance.  I swear they’re inside stretching and shoving and jumping and rearranging themselves whenever the drawer is abandoned and shut up tight.

Sometimes the rubber band is new and springy, full of excited exuberance. Sometimes it’s old and brittle and reluctant to leave the comfortable sameness of the drawer. And most often, the rubber band is somewhere between these two extremes.  Thin, but resilient and durable.  Or thick and tough, but somewhat lacking in its supple elasticity.

Their appearance is rarely a direct reflection of their usefulness, but then appearances rarely are.  Big, thick rubber bands have their uses.  So do tiny, slender ones. And every combination in between has the potential to facilitate some sort of discovery or creative solution.  Despite their visible stains, or the fact that they have already been used tenfold, they endure in their obliging and practical support.  If I select the wrong one for the task at hand, they will quickly let me know. And there is always a backup rubber band – a patiently waiting friend ready to help me try again or look at my problem from a different perspective.

I don’t know how they get in there.  I can never distinctly remember putting a rubber band in the drawer.  They just appear.  They seem to know that I will need them someday.  I will need their versatile durability and their flexible strength. I will need their constancy and keen enthusiasm.  I will need a rubber band.

You never know when you’ll need them, but they’re always there.  Watching and waiting- inconspicuous in the dark, yet consistently inspiring in their own, faithful and uncomplaining way.

It’s like Where’s Waldo, but for rubber bands!

Music Monday: Not Perfect

Music Monday!

Music can be a great source of comfort and inspiration when you’re feeling down.

Today’s song is: “Not Perfect” by Tim Minchin.

Listen to the song here:

Lyrics:

“This is my earth
And I live in it
It’s one third dirt and two thirds water
And it rotates and revolves through space
At rather an impressive pace
And never even messes up my hair.
And here’s the really weird thing
The force created by its spin
Is the force that stops the chaos flooding in.
This is my earth and it’s fine.
It’s where I spend the vast majority of my time.
It’s not perfect, but it’s mine.
It’s not perfect…

This is my country
And I live in it.
It’s pretty big and nice to walk on.
And the bloke who runs my country
Has built a demagoguery
And taught us to be fearful and boring.
And the weirdest thing is that he is
Conservative of politics
But really rather radical of eyebrows.
This is my country and it’s fine.
It’s where I spend the vast majority of my time.
It’s not perfect, but it’s mine.
It’s not perfect…

This is my house
And I live in it
It’s made of cracks and photographs.
We rent off a guy, who bought it from a guy,
Who bought it from a guy, whose granddad left it to him.
And the weirdest thing is that this house
Has locks to keep the baddies out
But they’re mostly used to lock ourselves in.
This is my house and it’s fine.
It’s where I spend the vast majority of my time.
It’s not perfect, but it’s mine.
It’s not perfect, but it’s mine.

This is my body
And I live in it.
It’s thirty-one and six months old.
It’s changed a lot since it was new.
It’s done stuff it wasn’t built to do.
I often try to fill it up with wine.
And the weirdest thing about it is
I spend so much time hating it
But it never says a bad word about me.
This is my body and it’s fine.
It’s where I spend the vast majority of my time.
It’s not perfect, but it’s mine.
It’s not perfect…

This is my brain
And I live in it.
It’s made of love and bad song lyrics.
It’s tucked away behind my eyes
Where all my screwed up thoughts can hide
‘Cause god forbid I hurt somebody.
And the weirdest thing about a mind
Is that every answer that you find
Is the basis for a brand new cliche.
This is my brain and it’s fine.
It’s where I spend the vast majority of my time.
It’s not perfect, but it’s mine.
It’s not perfect, but it’s mine.
It’s not perfect, not quite sure I worked out how to work it.
It’s not perfect, but it’s mine.”

Why this song’s so cool:  Tim Minchin is so weird.  He primarily does comedy, but this song, while still pretty funny it it’s own, subtle way, is actually pretty deep and inspirational.

Why this song’s helpful: Nothing is perfect, but we’re lucky to have what we have.

More about Tim:

 http://www.timminchin.com/about/

 

What Do You Do When You Don’t Even Want Bacon?

Honestly, I do not. know.

And I hope you never have to experience that feeling.