I completed the first class of my graduate certificate program in Children’s Literature!!!
It was called “The Art of the Picturebook,” and I never knew that school could be so interesting and fun!! I’ve enjoyed some classes throughout my college career, but none so much as this! I was actually excited to do homework! WHUUUUT!?? weird… I never really felt like I fit in in any of the other classes or programs I took in the past. I guess I just needed to find the right program. And books have always been important to me. And now I can explore that further! Yaaaaayyyy!!!
Music can be a great source of comfort and inspiration when you’re feeling down.
Today’s song is: “The Middle” by Jimmy Eat World
Listen to the song here:
Lyrics:
“Hey, don’t write yourself off yet
It’s only in your head you feel left out or looked down on.
Just try your best, try everything you can.
And don’t you worry what they tell themselves when you’re away.
It just takes some time,
Little girl, you’re in the middle of the ride.
Everything, everything will be just fine,
Everything, everything will be alright, alright.
Hey, you know they’re all the same.
You know you’re doing better on your own (on your own), so don’t buy in.
Live right now, yeah, just be yourself.
It doesn’t matter if it’s good enough (good enough) for someone else.
It just takes some time,
Little girl, you’re in the middle of the ride.
Everything, everything will be just fine,
Everything, everything will be alright, alright.
It just takes some time,
Little girl, you’re in the middle of the ride.
Everything, everything will be just fine,
Everything, everything will be alright, alright.
Hey, don’t write yourself off yet.
It’s only in your head you feel left out or looked down on.
Just do your best (just do your best), do everything you can (do everything you can).
And don’t you worry what the bitter hearts are gonna say.
It just takes some time,
Little girl, you’re in the middle of the ride.
Everything, everything will be just fine,
Everything, everything will be alright, alright.
It just takes some time,
Little girl, you’re in the middle of the ride.
Everything, everything will be just fine,
Everything, everything will be alright.”
Why this song’s so cool: I like how it gently reminds you that often what you are feeling is about your own perception. You can’t control what other people do or think about you, but you can control what you do and think about yourself, and that is what is more important anyway. It’s about having a positive attitude, but not only that, just hanging on until you get to the point where you CAN have a positive attitude, because that day WILL come. Also, it’s totally okay to be different! Plus it’s got a good beat that is fun to head-bang and angry-sing to.
Why this song’s helpful: It has a simple, supportive and encouraging message that is easy to relate to. It reminds me of that strategy when you’re freaking out about something and you do the five year rule gauge to ask yourself: “Will it matter in 5 years?” If the answer is NO, and it usually is, then it’s probably not as important as you thought.
Your environment has an affect on your overall mood, so if you are often in an environment you find dirty, ugly, uncomfortable or in any other way unpleasant or off-putting, then your mood will definitely be negatively affected! You can end up feeling grim, nauseated, gross, and downright disgruntled as the yucky environmental factors slowly leech away your precious good mood. Just like in the Sims if there’s a mess everywhere, they are saaaaaad. 🙁 🙁 🙁
So I realized that I hated going in my bathroom. With a boring shower curtain of questionable age and cleanliness, showertime was dreaded. There wasn’t anything personal or any art on the walls (as we had removed all this when we were trying to sell the house). There was accumulated unorganized clutter everywhere – it is a small bathroom with very limited counter space – like NONE at all. Things were always falling everywhere. And there was no place to keep towels, which was inconvenient and annoying. The shelf above the toilet was broken and unusable and the toilet itself was an unreliable flusher. I was uncomfortable because there were no mats or anything on the floor, and my feet were always cold. I often neglected personal hygiene – I didn’t want to be in there. But, as a human being, I kind of have to use a bathroom at least some of the time. And our other bathrooms were unavailable or inconvenient. TIME FOR A BATHROOM MAAAAAAAKEOVER!!
awwwww… “Happiness looks gorgeous on me!!?” why thank you, dolphin of happiness!!Self-care is not selfish
I did do some shopping, but mostly the transformation was about cleaning, de-cluttering, and rearranging. I went to Ross dress for less and got a beautiful new shower curtain and brightly colored floor mat! The hardware store provided new knobs for the ugly stainless steel ones. Then I did a LOT of cleaning. And I had a big box to get rid of full of unused products, redundancies, things I didn’t need to use every day, etc. I took everything out and started fresh. I put everyday use items within easy reach. Pretty things migrated to visible places. While I took a lot of stuff out, I did add some stuff back in. Since there wasn’t a first aid kit on the little shelf anymore, I had a place to put towels! I moved in some candles and art and other things that I thought were pretty and brought me joy! The shelf got fixed, the toilet got fixed, the negative environment got fixed. And now my bathroom is a cheerful and inspiring place! Well… about as cheerful and inspiring as a bathroom really can be…
It’s starting to get a little cluttered with use again…
I guess I should go head back in! I need to view the loo, clean the latrine, make the crapper dapper! In short, if you need to find me… I guess I’ll just be hanging out in my own personal wiz palace, AKA Wizzingham Manor.
“Fol-de-rol and fiddle dee dee and fiddley faddley foddle
all the wishes in the world are poppy cock and twoddle.
Fol-de-rol and fiddle dee dee and fiddley faddley foodle
all the dreamers in the world are dizzy in the noodle.”
This is what the sensible people of the world say, according to Cinderella’s fairy godmother in the Rodger’s and Hammerstein’s musical in a song they sing together about Cinderella’s wish to go to the ball. But together, they discover by the end of the song, that “impossible” can be changed to “it’s possible” with creativity, imagination, hard work, and someone who loves you to help. Like Cinderella and her fairy godmother, I am learning and exploring how to grant my own wish of forging a career doing what I love: writing, being creative, and helping others. I don’t yet know what that career will be exactly, but every day I am making choices to steer myself down the path to get there. And I plan to use every tool and asset I have to help shape my wish out of the supplies I have. And with a little help, and a little magic, I know I will get to the ball!
SUMMARY:
Turning the impossible to the possible is a process – one that requires many things. It requires creativity and imagination. Every day, I am thinking and brainstorming, searching for different ways to achieve my goals. I am on the lookout for new opportunities to embrace that will keep me moving forward, eyes focused on the path ahead. It requires commitment, dedication and hard work. Sometimes the path is thorny, or blocked by a tree. I continue to apply my imagination to identify creative and efficient solutions to remove such obstacles. It requires bravery, and it requires stepping out of your comfort zone. There is a certain degree of anxiety about the uncertainty of where the path leads, but you can’t turn back. It also requires help and support. Not all of us have a fairy godmother to turn our everyday objects into the perfect materials to achieve our dreams. But we do have people who love us. Asking for help is scary and hard, but it is something I plan on practicing. Most of all, it requires hope, and I plan on keeping that hope alive, nurturing it, and seeing it bloom and grow into something even more beautiful.
“But the world is full of zanies and fools who don’t believe in sensible rules
and won’t believe what sensible people say..
and because these daft and dewey eyed dopes keep building up impossible
hopes impossible things are happening every day!”
Especially about very personal things … crazy hard for a lot of people (including me.) But, I’ve seen my counselor for many years. Even when I didn’t feel like it was helping, it helped a little by making me feel like at least I was doing SOMETHING. It’s very helpful to get the perspective of someone outside the immediate situation. And explaining details about your life and experiences and feelings helps you solidify and understand yourself more. And it gets you out of the house at least once a week.
I didn’t know his name. But he knew mine. It was written in clear, bold letters on the hard, plastic nametag that adorned my green apron.
He knew my name, but he wanted to change it.
“Isn’t Emerald a boy’s name?” he asked.
I was used to strange reactions to my rare and somewhat unusual name, so I laughed. I didn’t choose my name, but I’ve learned to love it.
“No,” I replied, with a puzzled grin, only a little uncomfortably. Did he think I was a boy? My uniform was standardized regardless of gender, and my visor concealed most of my long hair, but I didn’t think I looked like a boy. Did I? My confusion bubbled up exponentially. Why would he ask that? What an odd thing to ask. I’m a girl. My name is Emerald. Emerald is a girl’s name.
I pushed aside my uneasiness and continued to assist him with a friendly smile.
I thought that was the end of it, but then he came to his unpleasant conclusion.
He told me he would call me “Emmy” instead. He didn’t ask. He told.
“No,” I replied, still polite, but somewhat taken aback. Only those select few people very close to me called me by a nickname. To hear those private syllables directed to me by a complete stranger was strange and jarring. It felt wrong. I was confused. I felt that my personal rights had been infringed upon. Surely he understood that a nickname is a sign of familiarity, of intimacy. I had never even seen this man before and he expected to be allowed to bastardize my name? To reduce and minimize it, and therefore me, to fit his own personal inclination. He didn’t have that right, did he?
Brashly, he nodded. “I’m going to call you Emmy,” he reiterated, regardless of my gentle protestation.
Had he not heard me? I had said no. I didn’t want him to call me Emmy. He was old, maybe he had bad hearing? I stayed firm.
“I would really prefer you didn’t. My name is Emerald.” I was still smiling, albeit more hesitantly, but inside I felt violated. Customer service policy as well as common courtesy required that I treat this man with respect and kindness, so I did. He followed no rules, written or socially implied. No one required that he treat me with the same respect and kindness.
The truth was that it should have been my decision. It is my decision. He was rude and he was wrong to insist on calling me a name that I didn’t feel comfortable with. I could have insisted on calling him a name he wasn’t comfortable with. Inconsiderate jerk, maybe? Or stupidhead mcfartface? How would he have felt then? Instead, I told him, I didn’t ask him, again not to call me Emmy, finished helping him, and he complained about me to my manager. He complained because I wasn’t okay with him disregarding my feelings and making me uncomfortable.
I didn’t know his name. But I knew him. And I know I will meet him again in some other incarnation. But I also know that I was right. I am right. It isn’t okay for anyone to call you a name you are not comfortable with. And some things are more important than following a grocery store code of conduct.
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Music can be a great source of comfort and inspiration when you’re feeling down.
Today’s song is: “Not Perfect” by Tim Minchin.
Listen to the song here:
Lyrics:
“This is my earth
And I live in it
It’s one third dirt and two thirds water
And it rotates and revolves through space
At rather an impressive pace
And never even messes up my hair.
And here’s the really weird thing
The force created by its spin
Is the force that stops the chaos flooding in.
This is my earth and it’s fine.
It’s where I spend the vast majority of my time.
It’s not perfect, but it’s mine.
It’s not perfect…
This is my country
And I live in it.
It’s pretty big and nice to walk on.
And the bloke who runs my country
Has built a demagoguery
And taught us to be fearful and boring.
And the weirdest thing is that he is
Conservative of politics
But really rather radical of eyebrows.
This is my country and it’s fine.
It’s where I spend the vast majority of my time.
It’s not perfect, but it’s mine.
It’s not perfect…
This is my house
And I live in it
It’s made of cracks and photographs.
We rent off a guy, who bought it from a guy,
Who bought it from a guy, whose granddad left it to him.
And the weirdest thing is that this house
Has locks to keep the baddies out
But they’re mostly used to lock ourselves in.
This is my house and it’s fine.
It’s where I spend the vast majority of my time.
It’s not perfect, but it’s mine.
It’s not perfect, but it’s mine.
This is my body
And I live in it.
It’s thirty-one and six months old.
It’s changed a lot since it was new.
It’s done stuff it wasn’t built to do.
I often try to fill it up with wine.
And the weirdest thing about it is
I spend so much time hating it
But it never says a bad word about me.
This is my body and it’s fine.
It’s where I spend the vast majority of my time.
It’s not perfect, but it’s mine.
It’s not perfect…
This is my brain
And I live in it.
It’s made of love and bad song lyrics.
It’s tucked away behind my eyes
Where all my screwed up thoughts can hide
‘Cause god forbid I hurt somebody.
And the weirdest thing about a mind
Is that every answer that you find
Is the basis for a brand new cliche.
This is my brain and it’s fine.
It’s where I spend the vast majority of my time.
It’s not perfect, but it’s mine.
It’s not perfect, but it’s mine.
It’s not perfect, not quite sure I worked out how to work it.
It’s not perfect, but it’s mine.”
Why this song’s so cool: Tim Minchin is so weird. He primarily does comedy, but this song, while still pretty funny it it’s own, subtle way, is actually pretty deep and inspirational.
Why this song’s helpful: Nothing is perfect, but we’re lucky to have what we have.
Sometimes when you’re depressed, all you can do is sit there. Moving is just. too. hard. Well, while you’re sitting there, maybe watching something on the telly will distract you somewhat from your misery. It’s worth a try, right?
Here are my recommendations:
Most importantly: Watch movies that you love or used to love. Bring back that lovin’ feeling.
My personal happy/helpful movies:
Lord of the Rings–“All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.”
I really, strongly identify with these movies (and books). Ordinary, non-conventional heroes (THAT’S ME!) have to do all this impossible-seeming stuff, go on a long, difficult, draining, physically and psychologically exhausting journey to a dark and horrible place. But there is a support network. And all they come back in some way or another. It is possible! If they can do it, maybe so can I? Maybe?
“There and back again” – I have a framed print that says this that hangs in my room reminding me that, like Frodo and Sam, I CAN make it to Mt. Doom. And then I can even make it back home. Things will be different, but the quest to vanquish the evil thing that has taken me over does have an end. This is where I got the name for this blog.
“There is some good in this world, and it’s worth fighting for.” ‘Nuff said.
BONUS: It’s really long, so if you feel like you can’t get up off the couch for a long period of time, that’s fine . . . you’re just having a movie marathon experience. Not moving turns into something you are doing on purpose to immerse yourself in the story, yeah, that’s it!
Into the Woods –“The prettier the flower, the farther from the path.”
Basically a giant metaphor for going through dark, scary, uncertain times and getting through it. “Everything you learn there will help when you return there.”
Also, freaking hilarious. How did Stephen Sondheim create such a roller coaster of emotions!? I’m laughing out loud, then sobbing hysterically. And it’s all relevant on so many different levels.
“Into the woods, It’s time to go, It may be all In vain, you/I know. Into the woods- But even so, I have to take the journey. Into the woods, Without delay, But careful not To lose the way. Into the woods, Who knows what may Be lurking on the journey? Into the woods To get the thing That makes it worth The journeying.”
Howl’s Moving Castle –“They say that the best blaze burns brightest when circumstances are at their worst.”
What do you do when you’re suddenly different than you used to be? Are you trapped in a seemingly unsolvable or frustrating situation? Do you feel like you’re weird and different and don’t fit in? Need a change in environment and/or scenery? Do you feel out of sync with your identity and/or appearance? Does your outside not match your inside?
IT’S JUST BEAUTIFUL AND AMAZING AND BEAUTIFUL.
Pride and Prejudice/Sense and Sensibility – any version – “Completely and perfectly and incandescently happy.”
Just take me away from this time and place where everything is horrible and bring me to the land of gentle pastels, sweeping gowns, long walks in the rain, and refined, yet sassy characters. Give me some sweet distance with a side of silliness, where the problems of the heroines are poignantly real and relatable even though they’re totally not relatable.
Silver Linings Playbook –“I like that. Just like all the other parts of myself.”
Hey, look – a movie about mental illness that isn’t dumb/condescending/a caricature. It’s real and many people struggle with it. It’s accurate, normalizing and relatable.
Whatever you watched as a child/young adult is often a good choice, because it can transport you back to a time when you were happier and not as worried.
Harry Potter –“Don’t let the muggles get you down.”
Fighting and conquering the dark arts, usually while not really knowing WTF you’re doing. You have to recognize and expel the darkness within you, that maybe you didn’t even know existed. Also, MAGIC. ACCIO NO MORE DEPRESSION! Don’t let a hinkypunk lure you into a swamp of hopelessness. Lumos the area around you with a bright, healing light. Protego yourself from those pesky curses. Reparo your heart and transfigure negative thoughts/feelings/actions into positive ones! WHERE IS MY DAMN HOGWARTS LETTER!?? ugh. I want a wand so bad. I’m house Hufflepuff, by the way, and my patronus is a cat. I hope it’s McGonagall… <3
Dementors are literally the physical embodiment of depression. That’s what J.K. Rowling told me. They suck away all your happy memories and positivity until nothing is left but an empty shell – you’re alive, but without a soul, left only to relive every horrendously awful, painful, thing you’ve ever done or experienced.
Any fandom that tells me to eat chocolate to feel better is fine by me.
Also, like LOTR, it is long. So that’s helpful.
Mulan, Tangled, Anastasia, (and other Disney/animated features) – “A single grain of rice can tip the scale. One man may be the difference between victory and defeat.”
Again, brings you back to a simpler, happier place. Let’s get down to business… (you can finish the rest).
Be careful with your selections though. Maybe fast forward through that Lion King stampede scene? And any time any characters parents die, really, which, let’s face it, is ALL THE FREAKING TIME (if they’re not dead already).
My happy/helpful T.V. shows:
BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER –“The hardest thing in this world is to live in it.”
GUYS! EVERYTHING IS JUST ONE GIANT METAPHOR FOR EVERYTHING!!!
You are not alone, and friends are good!
It’s okay to need/ask for help!
Second chances and redemption are possible!
You can be strong even if you don’t look/feel strong!
Sometimes you have to make sacrifices.
Accept responsibility for your actions.
You can change your situation, your life, the world!
Only have time for one episode? WATCH THE MUSICAL! Season 6, episode 7: “Once More, With Feeling.” “I touch the fire and it freezes me. I look into it and it’s black. Why can’t I feel? My skin should crack and peel. I want the fire back!” Tell me that’s not about depression.
“Every single night, the same arrangement, I go out and fight the fight. Still I always feel this strange estrangement, Nothing here is real, nothing here is right. …Will I stay this way forever? Sleepwalk through my life’s endeavor? …I don’t want to be Going through the motions, Losing all my drive. I can’t even see, If this is really me, And I just wanna be alive.”
Better Off Ted –“I wish I had the power to make everyone go away.”
So delightfully and ridiculously funny – Thank you, Netflix!
Parks and Recreation –“Everything hurts and I’m dying.” “I’m fine. It’ just that life is pointless and nothing matters and I’m always tired.” “I don’t want to do things. I want to NOT do things.” “Sometimes you gotta work a little, so you can ball a lot.” “Treat yo’ self.” “Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing.” “My whole life is a giant mess and I love it.”
Every single episode is funny. It’s optimistic but realistic. I feel like I relate to almost EVERY character. Perfect for extracting a laugh when you didn’t know you even had one left in there. Short and sweet and easy to fit into your schedule.
*A note about sad movie-watching – I recommend mostly happy movies, but an occasional sad movie can be cleansing and helpful in its own way. For example – if you feel guilt or shame about crying about your own problems, it can be a way to channel those tears so they can be expressed and not built up. Try more gentle tear-jerkers like “Titanic” rather than THERE IS NO BRIGHT SPOT ANYWHERE movies like “Schindler’s List.”
It was called “The Art of the Picturebook,” and I never knew that school could be so interesting and fun!! I’ve enjoyed some classes throughout my college career, but none so much as this! I was actually excited to do homework! WHUUUUT!?? weird… I never really felt like I fit in in any of the other classes or programs I took in the past. I guess I just needed to find the right program. And books have always been important to me. And now I can explore that further! Yaaaaayyyy!!!
