Especially about very personal things … crazy hard for a lot of people (including me.) But, I’ve seen my counselor for many years. Even when I didn’t feel like it was helping, it helped a little by making me feel like at least I was doing SOMETHING. It’s very helpful to get the perspective of someone outside the immediate situation. And explaining details about your life and experiences and feelings helps you solidify and understand yourself more. And it gets you out of the house at least once a week.
You know what apparently helps people with depression and anxiety?
Having a cat. Or dog, or hamster, or whatever. Something you can cuddle preferably, that is reliant on you, loves you unconditionally, and you think is totes adorbs.
Therapy animals are real, people. This is the reason I adopted my cat, Brisco (Yes, he is named for Brisco County, Jr.) This is a tough one though, because there is definitely a balance that needs to be struck. Ultimately, Brisco does help more than he hinders, but there have definitely been times when I wished I didn’t have him. As with any creature, he can be annoying, persistent, in the way, etc.
derp
He meows at doors at night, knocks things over, gets in the way, tries to trip you, randomly jumps on your face, tries to eat your toes, attacks anything that moves, scratches you up, and will not let you read in peace! OMG RIGHT NOW he thinks a great place to sit is directly in front of this computer screen! So in the darkest time, sometimes a pet can be a definite added stressor and source of frustration/annoyance/helplessness. That said, I am so grateful to have him in my life. As I gain back more and more positivity, little by little, I see and feel the benefits. He’s a non-judgmental listener. He’s a distraction from my problems. He is obsessed with me and always wants to be with me. That’s pretty flattering and good for self-esteem.
I didn’t know his name. But he knew mine. It was written in clear, bold letters on the hard, plastic nametag that adorned my green apron.
He knew my name, but he wanted to change it.
“Isn’t Emerald a boy’s name?” he asked.
I was used to strange reactions to my rare and somewhat unusual name, so I laughed. I didn’t choose my name, but I’ve learned to love it.
“No,” I replied, with a puzzled grin, only a little uncomfortably. Did he think I was a boy? My uniform was standardized regardless of gender, and my visor concealed most of my long hair, but I didn’t think I looked like a boy. Did I? My confusion bubbled up exponentially. Why would he ask that? What an odd thing to ask. I’m a girl. My name is Emerald. Emerald is a girl’s name.
I pushed aside my uneasiness and continued to assist him with a friendly smile.
I thought that was the end of it, but then he came to his unpleasant conclusion.
He told me he would call me “Emmy” instead. He didn’t ask. He told.
“No,” I replied, still polite, but somewhat taken aback. Only those select few people very close to me called me by a nickname. To hear those private syllables directed to me by a complete stranger was strange and jarring. It felt wrong. I was confused. I felt that my personal rights had been infringed upon. Surely he understood that a nickname is a sign of familiarity, of intimacy. I had never even seen this man before and he expected to be allowed to bastardize my name? To reduce and minimize it, and therefore me, to fit his own personal inclination. He didn’t have that right, did he?
Brashly, he nodded. “I’m going to call you Emmy,” he reiterated, regardless of my gentle protestation.
Had he not heard me? I had said no. I didn’t want him to call me Emmy. He was old, maybe he had bad hearing? I stayed firm.
“I would really prefer you didn’t. My name is Emerald.” I was still smiling, albeit more hesitantly, but inside I felt violated. Customer service policy as well as common courtesy required that I treat this man with respect and kindness, so I did. He followed no rules, written or socially implied. No one required that he treat me with the same respect and kindness.
The truth was that it should have been my decision. It is my decision. He was rude and he was wrong to insist on calling me a name that I didn’t feel comfortable with. I could have insisted on calling him a name he wasn’t comfortable with. Inconsiderate jerk, maybe? Or stupidhead mcfartface? How would he have felt then? Instead, I told him, I didn’t ask him, again not to call me Emmy, finished helping him, and he complained about me to my manager. He complained because I wasn’t okay with him disregarding my feelings and making me uncomfortable.
I didn’t know his name. But I knew him. And I know I will meet him again in some other incarnation. But I also know that I was right. I am right. It isn’t okay for anyone to call you a name you are not comfortable with. And some things are more important than following a grocery store code of conduct.
You know when I thought about the topic for this blog?
WHEN I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE FREAKING MEDITATING.
Right now, I’m primarily using this app called ‘Calm,’ which is not that bad. The free features are perfect for a beginner like me to keep busy I mean CALM. After a couple of weeks, I decided to actually pay(!?!?) for the whole app, and I’m surprisingly glad I did. There are meditations for everything. And for each category, you can choose what length of time works best for you.
My favorite feature is the sleep stories. They’ re just someone reading a story in a soothing voice. Sometimes it’s super boring. Sometimes it’s a metaphor. Whatever. They’re great. There’s one non-fiction one that I have never been able to stay awake through! And there’s one fiction one about how cats basically came from dragons! LOVED IT!
Music can be a great source of comfort and inspiration when you’re feeling down.
Today’s song is: “Not Perfect” by Tim Minchin.
Listen to the song here:
Lyrics:
“This is my earth
And I live in it
It’s one third dirt and two thirds water
And it rotates and revolves through space
At rather an impressive pace
And never even messes up my hair.
And here’s the really weird thing
The force created by its spin
Is the force that stops the chaos flooding in.
This is my earth and it’s fine.
It’s where I spend the vast majority of my time.
It’s not perfect, but it’s mine.
It’s not perfect…
This is my country
And I live in it.
It’s pretty big and nice to walk on.
And the bloke who runs my country
Has built a demagoguery
And taught us to be fearful and boring.
And the weirdest thing is that he is
Conservative of politics
But really rather radical of eyebrows.
This is my country and it’s fine.
It’s where I spend the vast majority of my time.
It’s not perfect, but it’s mine.
It’s not perfect…
This is my house
And I live in it
It’s made of cracks and photographs.
We rent off a guy, who bought it from a guy,
Who bought it from a guy, whose granddad left it to him.
And the weirdest thing is that this house
Has locks to keep the baddies out
But they’re mostly used to lock ourselves in.
This is my house and it’s fine.
It’s where I spend the vast majority of my time.
It’s not perfect, but it’s mine.
It’s not perfect, but it’s mine.
This is my body
And I live in it.
It’s thirty-one and six months old.
It’s changed a lot since it was new.
It’s done stuff it wasn’t built to do.
I often try to fill it up with wine.
And the weirdest thing about it is
I spend so much time hating it
But it never says a bad word about me.
This is my body and it’s fine.
It’s where I spend the vast majority of my time.
It’s not perfect, but it’s mine.
It’s not perfect…
This is my brain
And I live in it.
It’s made of love and bad song lyrics.
It’s tucked away behind my eyes
Where all my screwed up thoughts can hide
‘Cause god forbid I hurt somebody.
And the weirdest thing about a mind
Is that every answer that you find
Is the basis for a brand new cliche.
This is my brain and it’s fine.
It’s where I spend the vast majority of my time.
It’s not perfect, but it’s mine.
It’s not perfect, but it’s mine.
It’s not perfect, not quite sure I worked out how to work it.
It’s not perfect, but it’s mine.”
Why this song’s so cool: Tim Minchin is so weird. He primarily does comedy, but this song, while still pretty funny it it’s own, subtle way, is actually pretty deep and inspirational.
Why this song’s helpful: Nothing is perfect, but we’re lucky to have what we have.
Chai tea in the mornings is a particular treat. I like to have chai tea on the mornings when I have the time to just sit comfortably and relax. Coffee is for mornings where I’m in a hurry and breakfast is synonymous with multi-tasking. But chai tea days are those special and cherished leisurely mornings where you can breathe deeply, eat slowly, and appreciate your surroundings. More days should be chai tea days. It’s caffeine – it’s energy, but still it somehow relaxes me while simultaneously preparing and motivating me to be productive without emphatically worrying about being productive.
A while back, I took a tai chi class through Pierce College continuing education. It was in the morning. On Saturdays. While I really enjoyed it, I sadly did not attend every class. It was in the morning. On Saturdays. ugh.
However, on the days that I reluctantly dragged myself out of bed and participated, I found the class to be really relaxing and fun. I liked the explanations of the patterned movements, and the fact that everything meant something. The practice required just enough focus to feel like meditation, while not so much brainpower was needed to make it overwhelming and exhausting. It was challenging, but not overly so. It was, surprisingly harder than I thought it would be – requiring strong, steady, slow, and, to an extent, precise muscle movement is not as easy as it looks! But still, it made me feel solid and strong as well as surprisingly graceful. Even though we were all beginners, when we started to get used to the pattern, and were executing the movements in sync, it was fun to feel like a part of something bigger – like our energies were all working together to make something beautiful and meaningful.
But, for me, Tai Chi is a practice more easily initiated in the evening. Mornings are hard for me already, as an impatient insomniac, so I feel like that likely detracted significantly from my enjoyment and motivation. In the evenings, when preparing for bed, Tai Chi can help slow the racing thoughts by slowing the body and having something on which to focus – it’s a peaceful strengthening routine that prepares my body for a more efficient resting of the mind and body. So for me, the best way to appreciate and benefit from this calming and centering exercise, is to practice Tai Chi in the evenings.
Want to know more about Tai Chi? Here’s a beginner’s guide:
Reading is always a way to escape reality for a little while into a different universe.
Juliet Marillier is one of my favorite authors. I love and re-read almost all of her books. She deals primarily in historical fantasy – mostly for adults, and some for young adults.
Blackthorn and Grim:
The Blackthorn and Grim trilogy consists of Dreamers Pool, Tower of Thorns, and Den of Wolves.
This particular series touches on some very serious issues, such as PTSD, trust-building, growth, recovery, how helping others can help yourself, and how to rebuild your life after you have suffered from extreme trauma. PLUS: medieval Ireland, unconventional heroes, and mysterious MAGIC!
Here is part of the description of the first book:
“What if you were locked up awaiting execution and a stranger offered you a bargain that would set you free? What if accepting bound you to certain rules of behaviour for seven years, rules you knew you were likely to break within days? And what if the penalty for breaking them was to find yourself back where you started, eaten up with bitterness and waiting to die?
Blackthorn chooses life, even though she must promise not to seek vengeance against her arch-enemy, Lord Mathuin. In company with a cell-mate, the hulking, silent Grim, the one-time healer and wise woman flees north to Winterfalls, where she settles on the fringe of the mysterious Dreamer’s Wood. Blackthorn has promised her benefactor, the fey nobleman Conmael, that she will use her gifts only for good. But she and Grim are both scarred by the past, and the embittered healer finds her promise increasingly hard to keep.”
Pretending to be a sim is a great way to assess your mood when you feel like crap, but are having a hard time figuring out why. You know those needs bars in the game the Sims? When you get really overwhelmed, think of those and how you would deal with them in the Sims. You evaluate where you are in each category – are you in the green? Or is the bar red with that arrow to the left? Identify the problem areas and fix them in order of easiest-hardest.
S – Self-scan :
Think of each need category and assess your level. It helps to ask yourself questions more like; “When did I last eat” rather than, “Am I hungry.” Sometimes you don’t know why you feel the way you feel, or what needs the most attention.
I – Itemize improvements:
Think of how you can fix each problem area and then organize your plans to get back in the green in a way that makes sense to you. Usually that’s easiest to hardest, but sometimes you start with the category that is the MOST RED. Sure, you might be in the kitchen with a snack on your way to your mouth, but if you’re about to pee your pants, do that first. (please).
M – Manage momentum:
I guess that’s a fancy way of saying just do it.
Bladder
Easiest fix. GO POTTY!
Hunger
Eat something. Too hard to decide or to make something? Fruit and string cheese are my go-tos. Just stick it in your mouth. It’s also handy to prepare by stocking up on super easy meals for hunger emergencies. My emergency meal is Yakitori chicken and fried rice from Costco. It’s yummy, hot, and takes three minutes in the microwave.
yummmmmmmm
Hygiene
Take a shower – you stink! Too hard to stand up? Sit down in the shower. No rule says you can’t. (I call it a shather). Or take a bath. Still too much work? Wash your face. Brush your teeth or hair. Invest in those make-up removal wipes for when even that is too hard. Been wearing the same clothes for three days? Change ’em!
Energy
Take a nap. Go to bed. Eat bananas, oatmeal, spinach, almonds, or other high-energy foods. Drink some coffee or other caffeinated beverage if there are things you HAVE to do and shut-eye is off the table for now. Anything else give you energy? Jump on it! (energetically).
Do something you have fun (or used to have fun doing). See a movie, hang out with friends, play laser tag. If you’re thinking, “Ugh… FUN. What even is that?” Just take baby steps. Youtube ‘unlikely animal friendships,’ or ‘kitten derp.’ Play your favorite cheerful song. Just take three minutes and listen to it. Or if you feel able and spritely, move your body WHILE you listen to it! Dance parties are high energy, but you can handle it for ONE song maybe, right? It might be helpful to make a note whenever something you do makes you even a little happy. Then you can refer to it when your fun meter is especially low.
This is one that helps me:
Social
Yeah, yeah interact with someone. (This is especially tough if you are an introvert, like I am.) You may hate the idea of it, but your hate will probably lessen if you are actually doing something with someone else. Hang out with friends, go to an event, talk to someone for just 5 minutes. You don’t really want to see any of your friends? Okay, just leave the house and have a random positive interaction with someone – anyone. The best way to do this is with someone in customer service – it is LITERALLY part of their job to try to connect and be nice to you. Go grab a coffee and remember to smile at your barista and say hello, please, and thank you. If that’s too long of an interaction, then try complimenting someone on something. It doesn’t really matter what (well, don’t be offensive). You don’t even have to particularly believe it. As you’re passing a stranger, just pick something about them, and then say you like it. Like, “Hey – cute shoes!” It takes three words. Two if you leave out, “hey.” Minimal effort, you make someone else feel good, which will in turn make you feel good, and LOOK you had a social interaction! Congratulations! Your bar is moving towards the green! If even leaving the house is unthinkable, invite someone over. Specify that you might be in your pajamas. Can’t even bear the thought of being in the company of another human? Cuddle up to your pet or hug a stuffed animal. Reach out to people you care about via facebook, email, chat, whatever. Send someone a text letting them know you’re thinking about them. Even something that small can cheer you up. Try not to neglect your important relationships.
Comfort
Here’s where naps can come in handy yet again. Find your softest blanket and warmest slippers and snuggle on the couch with some mac & cheese and your favorite book. Pretend you’re a human burrito. Take a hot bubble bath and use that special body wash. Treat yo’ self to a mini-spa experience! If you’re like me (and many other ladies), you have mysteriously accumulated a ton of miscellaneous body lotion. Get rid of it – slather it on your body. Paint your nails while watching a silly rom-com. IDK… what comforts YOU? Do THAT.
*but be careful with eating TOO much food, or relying as food as your primary comfort tool. This can often backfire and make you feel worse, guilty, and bloated. After you eat some comfort food, and you find yourself wanting more, try to ask yourself, “Am I hungry?” Then wait 20 minutes before getting more.
Where are you? Or where do you go often? Is it pretty? Calming? Comforting? Or…is it a source of anxiety, annoyance, and distress? Make some changes. Ok, so you can’t afford to move to a better apartment or quit your job. But you can move furniture, clean, paint walls, and declutter! Can you spruce up your office space in any way? Add a cheerful plant or cozy seat cushion? What can you do? LOTS! But… Baby steps again. Think about what specifically you don’t like about your environment and start there. Start small. For example, my bathroom had looked the same since we moved here, and I was tired of it. I didn’t want to go in there. To me, it was just a boring reminder of how stupid the past was. It was uncomfortable, crowded, and boring. I thought the shower curtain was ugly. So I bought a new shower curtain. I changed those cabinet knobs that I hated – from functional and boring to FUNctional and pretty! I even bought a special, very soft bath mat because I hated stepping on the cold tiles! (It was THISand I LOVE IT! SO SQUISHY AND BEAUTIFUL!) But you don’t have to spend money to change your environment – use what you have! I hung up art that was cheerful and fun. I got rid of clutter and moved things I didn’t use everyday to some decorative storage bins. I fixed the broken shelf and folded the towels. Each small thing you do to improve an environment you’re not happy with is a step in the right direction. Even if your environment problem seems too big to solve, try doing just one small thing that makes it a little bit better. You wish it were sunnier in Washington? TOO BAD – haha! But you can get a light therapy lamp, take vitamin D, plan vacations to sunnier climes, make sure you get outside every day, move heavy furniture away from your windows, get stronger lightbulbs, find things you love about the rain. Appreciate and make the most of each blue sky!
“The Life Purpose Playbook.” by Judy Machado-Duque
A combination workbook/planner/goal-setting tool/COLORING BOOK! Makes the difficulties of planning more fun than a chore. I had so much fun making the vision board (pictured above), that I ran out of room and just haaad to make another one (also pictured above).
And if your daily calendar page looks like this, who cares!??
“The Woman’s Comfort Book: A Self-Nurturing Guide for Restoring Balance in Your Life” by Jennifer Louden.
OMG I LOVE THIS BOOK SO MUCH. Particularly the fact that there is a helpful chart matrix in the middle where you can locate how you are feeling (i.e. lonely, ugly, nervous, exhausted, whatever) and then trace your finger over to the multiple recommended chapters for helping with that emotion. Each short chapter includes a variety of different suggestions, so you can find one that works for you. Great reference tool! I’ve used this book since high school.
“The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing” by Marie Kondo.
Not specifically about depression/anxiety, but I did find it really helpful. It gave me achievable goals that I could accomplish in stages that resulted in visual, environmental, and mental benefits. After all, cleansing your past, saying goodbye to old, painful memories, and having an aesthetically pleasing living space are all refreshing, invigorating, and crucial to happiness and the healing process. I have a copy if you want to borrow. 🙂
Now my closet is at least half as full, my storage is maximized, and finding/putting away clothes is so easy!
Music can be a great source of comfort and inspiration when you’re feeling down.
Today’s song is: “Dark, dark eyes” by Marian Call.
“You don’t know how lovely you are
Sweet sweet soul with dark dark eyes
Head to heel beautifully marred
Sweet sweet soul, forgive my surprise
I know you see right through me
But please don’t look away
I’ll comfort you if you’ll cling to me
We’ll cry and we’ll wait for the day
Oh, I wish you could see what I see
My sweet sweet soul
Dark dark eyes
You don’t know how dangerous you are
Sweet sweet soul with small, small hands
I’d tell you the truth, but it’s hard
Sweet sweet soul, you don’t comprehend
But I’ll sing you every known love song
Until you can sleep through the night
I’ll stay by your side if you’ll have me, love
I’ll hold you until you don’t fight
Oh, I wish you could see what I see
My sweet sweet soul
Dark dark eyes”
Why this song’s so cool: Marian Call is a nerdy folk singer/songwriter, and she actually has a whole album just dedicated to the T.V. show FIREFLY, which is awesome! This particular song is usually interpreted to be about River Tam.
Why this song’s helpful: Sometimes you can’t see things clearly when you’re tired or stressed or overwhelmingly sad. Your perception of yourself and the situation become warped. This song can remind you that others may see you differently and have a unique perspective that can be helpful to comfort you and get through your problems. It reminds you that sometimes all you can do is hold on and weather the storm until a new day begins. It also lets you know that your struggles are a part of what makes you who you are, and that can be beautiful and appreciated. Also the music itself is just really soothing and calming.
